The routine from hell
by Bottled Chaos
Summary: Remus is in love with Sirius, but Sirius treats him like dirt. Remus finally stands up for himself. Angsty first chapter but FLUFFY SLASHY AWESOMENESS in the second!
1. Chapter 1

**Depressingness (That's not a word, yes I do realise.) ahead. BEWARE!**

**REVIEW! **

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It was becoming a routine.

7.00pm - Sirius, Remus, Peter and James would be sitting in the common room, chatting, hanging out, maybe a game of chess.

7.10pm - Sirius would start shamelessly flirting with James.

7.15pm - Remus would dig his nails in to the book he was reading, grit his teeth and try not to cry as the man he loved flirted with another man.

7.20pm - James would get annoyed about Sirius's flirting and go to find Lily.

7.40pm- James would return with Lily, holding her hand.

7.50pm - James and Lily would be sitting on the floor, Lily in James's lap, kissing heatedly.

8.00pm - Sirius would continue scowling at Lily as she whispered into James's ear.

8.20pm - James and Lily would leave for the girls dorm.

8.25pm- Sirius would grab Remus by the hand and drag him to the boys dorm.

And from then on, Sirius would loudly sleep with Remus, not bothering with silencing charms or locking charms. Sirius wanted James to hear. Wanted him to see.

After using Remus's body to take out his sexual frustration, Sirius would roll off of Remus and go to the showers, leaving Remus to curl up into a ball, self-loathing boiling in his chest.

It happened all the time. Almost every night. Like clockwork.

And still Remus couldn't help but keep the small bubble of hope in his heart every time he looked at Sirius. Hope that one day, Sirius would finally get over James and fall for him instead...

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"Jaaaaames, I'm bored!"

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying not to scream.

_Here we go, just like clockwork._

"Piss off Sirius." James sighed, standing up and walking briskly away towards the portrait hole.

Sirius started at James's back until he was out of sight, then narrowed his eyes.

"Remus. Come with me."

_This is new..._

Remus frowned, refusing to look up as Sirius stood up, trying to pull Remus with him.

"Remus. _Now._" He demanded, his voice hard and cold.

_He's not sticking to the schedule._

Remus finally looked up into Sirius's cold glare.

_If he can change things, then so can I_.

"No." Remus said, narrowing his eyes slightly. He was sick of being Sirius's little puppet.

Sirius looked at Remus like he had grown two heads.

"What did you jus-"

"I said NO." Remus repeted, shocked at his own bravery.

Sirius's eyes widened slightly as he looked the werewolf up and down. He opened his mouth to speak when James walked in, Lily beside him.

_Usually they would be right on cue._

_But not tonight._

"How _dare _you stand there and _demand_ that I go upstairs with you. How _fucking_ dare you."

Everyone in the room let out a collective gasp, Sirius included. Remus John Lupin never _ever_ swore.

"How dare you use me as your puppet, just because James isn't interested in you? You think you can just sit there, flirt with James until he leaves then take out your frustration on me? Well guess what Black, Not anymore."

Sirius flinched when Remus used his last name. Lily, James and Peter were staring at Remus, looking on with a mix of shock and admiration. Sirius looked...scared? The words just kept spilling out of Remus. 3 years of bottled up feelings were just exploding out of him.

"Moony, please..." Sirius began but Remus cut him off.

"I have loved you for three years Black. Three _fucking_ years! But you haven't even noticed. You've been too busy shagging ever girl that walks and trying to get into James's pants. You know that feeling you get when you see Lily with James? Huh? That gut wrenching, heart shattering feeling? Well Just imagine for a second that James and Lily weren't going out. Just imagine how you would feel everytime you saw him flirting with her, trying with her, then imagine that he gets frustrated because she won't sleep with him, so he uses you. He takes you up to the dorm and he fucks you, but the whole time, he's thinking about her. He doesn't kiss you, because he doesn't feel the need to make you feel loved. Then when it's over, he gets up and leaves."

Sirius was crying at this point, shamelessly crying infront of everyone as Remus continued talking in the same, hollow, dead voice as before.

"Imagine how much that hurts. Because guess what _Black_. I've had to go through that feeling everyday for_ three fucking years_. Do you have any god damn idea how much that hurts? How it s_till_ hurts me? Of corse you don't. Because you, _Sirius Black_, are a cold, arrogant, using bastard."

Remus stopped momenterally to pull back the sleeves of his shirt, causing James to pale slightly, Lily to gasp and Sirius to whimper.

Red, puckered, angry scars lined Remus's wrists.

Another part of the sick routine.

Sirius leaves. Remus cuts.

"You see this? Everytime you crawl away from me after using me, I feel empty. I don't feel real. I feel like a common, dirty, whore. I cut myself to make me feel something other than dirty. Other that disguting. You caused this _B__lack._"

Sirius feel to his knee's before Remus, grabbing fist fulls of his robes, sobbing into Remus's thighs.

Remus could hear Sirius sobbing "Sorry! So sorry. So sorry..." into him but he didn't care.

Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it.

"And do you want to know the worst part? The worst part is that I still fucking _Love_ you! After everything, I will always fucking love you. And it just makes it that much harder."

And with that Remus pulled away from Sirius's grasp and turned strode out of the room, slamming the door behind him, leaving his friends and his worries behind him.

The routine was done.

And so was he.

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**Hehehe...I'm a depressing little minx aren't I?**

**I maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay add a few more (slightly happier) chapters. If I can be arsed.**

**Lots of love,**

**~PureBloodArts.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! **

**First of all, Thank you for all your favorites, follows and reviews! They make my tummy all fuzzy ^.^**

**I cried like a baby writing this, and I'm not sure why. Ah well. Silly hormones.**

**So many of you have reviewed and asked for another (happier) chapter, so here we go!**

**OOOOOOOOOOH!**

** P.S Someone asked me how Sirius didn't see Remus's scars when they were going at it. Sirius never gave him enough time to remove any clothing most of the time except his trousers. But when he WAS naked, he was on all fours (oo-er!) and Sirius wasn't really paying attention to his wrists.**

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_Remus,_

_I don't know how exactly I can say this, because I know that no matter how many times I say it, it will never be enough. But here it goes;_

_I am so sorry, Remus._

_I honestly never meant to hurt you. I know it doesn't seem like that but it's true. As for the whole "me being in love with James thing" that isn't true. I DO love James, but only as a brother. I know that sounds pretty stupid and like a complete and total lie, but I swear on my cousin Nymphadora's life that I don't love James like that and I NEVER, EVER intended to hurt you. Let me explain from the beginning._

_Ever since I was 6, me and Prongs had been best friends. Every time my mother lashed out at me or my father tried to hit me, James would be there for me. It was us two against the world. And then you and Peter walked in to my life. God, Remus. Even at the age of 11, you managed to blow me away. Do you remember the first thing we said to each other? I do. I walked (read: Swaggered) into the carriage you and Pete were in and turned my nose up at your too-short robes and your big, scared eyes. But you stood your ground like the little fighter you are. _

_"Get out." I ordered you. You looked up at me like I was insane. _

_"We were here first." You said, raising an eyebrow._

_"I don't care, I said get out." I growled. You rolled your eyes at my brat like manner and stood up. You were so small. You still are, you still only reach my shoulders._

_"Well, quite frankly, if sharing a carriage with you means I need to be within spitting distance of you, I would rather go share a carriage with Voldemort." _

_I just blinked at you and then we both burst out laughing. And from that moment on, we were friends._

_But anyway, back to the whole James thing. I'm just going to come out with it. I'm unbelievably jealous of James. He has it all. He's handsome (Don't tell him I said that, his head can barely fit through the door as it is), he's smart, he's got a perfect family and he's got a girlfriend who loves him. And that's why I want. I want someone to love me, to help me when I'm stuck or in trouble. I want someone to hold me when I have those nightmares about my mother. I want someone I can laugh with. I want someone who, even if we're fighting like two Hungarian Horntails, we can just kiss and make up after it.  
_

_James is not that person, you are. Now that Lily and James are together, it kills me. Because I feel like I'm losing my brother to her. It hurts. That's why I flirt with him and annoy him. So he'll pay the slightest bit of attention to me instead of Lily. Don't get me wrong, I love Lily. She's brilliant. But I miss James as a brother. _

_I don't want to be with him._

_I want you._

_I've never wanted anything so much in my whole damn life. You have no idea the effect you have on me, Moony. It's insane. Your fucking copper, messy hair. Your golden eyes that make me feel like you can see right through me. Your sense of humor. Your kindness, your intelligence, your strength and your bravery. I need you. You're like a drunk, Remus John Lupin. And I'm addicted to you. Do you want to know when I figured out how much I loved you? It was that time that you came home from the Christmas holidays, covered in bruises, and shaking like a leaf. You told us your dad beat you up, because you told him you were bisexual. I couldn't breath. You just sort of collapsed on top of me and started sobbing. I promised you I would get him for you and you laughed and called me a "Silly puppy." That's when I knew I loved you, and I would do anything in the world for you._

_Did you know that James and I flew to Kent and burned his car down that weekend when you thought we were camping in Hogsmede? Yeah. He deserved it._

_Did you ever wonder why I didn't kiss you when we had sex? It's because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to stop. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to stop once I started._

_You need to promise me something, Remus. Never, ever, EVER hurt yourself because of me ever again. Please. You have no idea how scared I was when you showed me those scars. Please, Remus. I'm begging you._

_So here I am. Pouring my heart out to you via this letter, to let you know how sorry I am and how much I love you._

_If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise I will love you for now and forever._

_I'm so sorry,_

_Sirius._

Remus looked up from the letter in his hands, that was currently shaking violently from all the pent up emotion, and looked straight into Sirius's eyes. There was nothing but the truth written all over his face.

"I mean every single word I wrote down." Sirius said, never breaking eye contact with Remus. Remus make a small whimper and fell forward, straight into Sirius's waiting arms. Sirius started moving back and forward, rocking the werewolf as he cried quietly.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and for the first time in Remus Lupin's life, Sirius kissed him.

And at that point, he had no choice but to forgive him. The words, the hug, the kiss, the emotion and the love. He couldn't contain his sob anymore as their lips moved together, in perfect sync. Remus pulled away and wiped a hand over his eyes, removing the tears that had spilled over. Sirius gave him a small, watery smile.

"I'm sorry. I love you." He said, sniffing.

And at that moment, Remus knew he was telling the truth.

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**So.**

**How was that? I've never been so scared to upload a chapter before! **

**Please please please review!**

**Thanks!**

**~Purebloodarts**


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